2nd dates and Introverts

Have I truly found someone more introverted than I?
I had another great date last night. This was the 2nd date with last week’s Monday date. Let’s call him Monte.
First let’s talk about introverts. When I say introvert, I’m not talking about a shy person. These are two different concepts. Being an introvert really just means one is quite introspective, enjoying self-reflection, and values a deep connection in their relationships with people. Introverts would rather spend time one-on-one or in small groups (think 2-4 people) than going to a party a socializing with tons of people. Introverts don’t mind being on stage and performing, but they don’t like being the center of attention in a group when it’s not about a performance.
Some introverts learn these things about themselves, and some don’t. I have spent the better part of my adult life learning what it means to be an introvert. Mostly because it creates an internal struggle on a regular basis. As an introvert, I always want to be invited to the party, but I most likely won’t come (unless it’s a small group).
This topic came up during the date last night. I was rambling (that’s what I called it; he kept saying I wasn’t rambling. I assure you, I was.). Because I was being so gregarious, Monte called me an extrovert. I had to set him straight. He then claimed to be an introvert because a test told him he was. The funny thing to me about that: he doesn’t act like an introvert at all except in one very big way: he hates small talk. This is something that is very true of introverts. Discussing things like your co-workers weekend plans or the weather actually creates barriers between people. It’s polite, nice and keeps the conversation on the surface, prohibiting vulnerability, honesty and emotional intimacy. All these latter things are the biggest desire of introverts.
So, why do I think he’s not an introvert? He hates texting. He finds it boring. Whilst I don’t love texting because it is exciting, it’s a great way to communicate without having to talk on the phone. Yes, introverts hate the phone. Why? Phone calls are ripe with small talk, at least in the beginning. The ring of that phone is incredibly intrusive, demanding immediate attention, leaving no room for preparing for a conversation (very essential for introverts). Introverts also like to think through things before responding. These long, awkward silences do not translate well in a phone conversation.
Just hating texting means he’s not an introvert? Well, he wanted to call me soon after we “met” online to talk. I would actually welcome that call now (spoiler alert: I like this guy), but was absolutely dreading it. Luckily, it never actually happened and I got to meet him in person first.
With all that said, he might be more introverted than I because he couldn’t even manage the teensiest of small talk last night, which is why I was rambling. I get it: he’s a single dad. His life is work and kids. There may not be that much excitement there. I’m happy to talk about my week and share the incredibly exciting things I do (uh … judging a college competition; visiting the dog show; binge watching Netflix … yeah, I’m a hoot!), but man, he simply didn’t have the ability to fill those pauses in conversation.
Nonetheless, I made him laugh, lots. I love that. He made me laugh, which I also love. As terrible as I am about asking questions to get to know someone, I asked a lot (see that part about all the pauses in conversation I was trying to fill) about his family and he was very willing to respond. Yes, despite the lulls in conversation, I had a good time again. He’s adorable. He’s smart, witty, and kind. He at least seems to be a pretty good dad and thinks highly of family. All great qualities. And he seems interested in me, or at least seeing me again. He did make some mention of whether I’d see him for a 3rd date.
What confused me is this: after 2 hours of me mostly rambling about things in my life, including concerns I had with people in my family, he tells me I’m a hard nut to crack. This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten this kind of feedback, but after all that rambling, I was totally thrown. I shared all kinds of random crap with him. I know I have a wall, but I made it very clear that it comes down pretty easy. Within minutes, he received a text and had to leave. Our date came to an abrupt end. I was fine with that, but left confused. As we walked out, he handed me a Lifesaver Wint-o-green (my favorite mint! Yes, he knows this). A quick hug, then he says, “I’ll be in touch.” (On our first date it was: “Feel free to call or text anytime!” Then, a hug, and a kiss on the cheek.)

I’ll be honest: I lost all hope in that moment that I’d ever speak with him again. I wasn’t really sure what just happened. I was also frustrated with the assertion that I’m walled off, yet I had to pry to get him to talk to me. I went to bed with a sinking feeling that my first 2nd date in a long time was going to be a last date with this guy.

Well … I did get a text from him this morning: “I had fun last night Josephine. Thanks again!”

*Sigh* I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how this one plays out … Accepting comments and advice, too.

Tinder Virgin, until today...... backlog

So I was in a career for almost 15 years that exhausted me emotionally, so I felt like I didn't have any emotion or energy to put into meeting new people or making connections.  I felt so drained, all I wanted to do was come home and turn my brain off and not make any effort to do anything else.  Now I am doing a job that is so boring, I'm afraid I will forget how to use my brain, so time to put myself out there, and to top it off, I am tired of doing things alone that would be more fun with a companion!

I guess I will start out talking about my first Tinder "drink" with someone.  First of all I shy away from meeting new people by myself, because I don't enjoy small talk and it just seems to get awkward if I am the one asking all the questions, which I tend to do.
This was back in October and I decided to agree to meet this dude for a drink on a sunday afternoon. His pictures looked like he was a decent looking guy, I can't remember if we were texting or just chatting on Tinder, after a couple hours of persuading, I decided to go.
We met at a bar near my friends house, so I had her check on me in an hour to see if it was going ok and if I needed an out.
I arrived early and ordered myself a shot to loosen up, that is my typical tendency.  He was on time and looked older than his pictures had portrayed. We chatted and he seemed ok, he tells me he lives with his Uncle (this guy is like 40), who needs medical attention because he is obese and has type 2 diabetes.  I was doing my best not to judge at this point. This guy is the head landscaper for a college in the area and had previously worked at a golf course, so we conversed about that.  Then something switched for me, when he started talking about marijuana.  For some reason it just turns me off, people act so stupid when they smoke and he knew I was in law enforcement and wanted to have some kind of debate about it, like a 20 something wanting it legalized.
Needless to say, I was done and went across the street to the movies, alone.  That was the first time I had ever gone to a movie alone and I enjoyed it much more than the Tinder drink.

More to come, I have come out of my shell a bit and continue to go on meeting people from these sites, not too discouraged yet....

Just a teaser ...

Just a quick little post here because I mostly stayed off the dating site this week. Sorry, no silly stories to tell.

Last Monday's date was pretty great! So hope is still alive! We're going out again tonight. (Is it weird that a single dad of 2 only can get a sitter for Monday nights? Right now, as we just start venturing into the dating world together, I say no. I'm just curious how long this will last. I'm not looking to meet his kids or anything anytime soon, but it's been established, at least for now, Monday nights are the only ones available.)
The date from last Sunday (the one I married .. see the previous post for deets) left town on Tuesday for 2 weeks to work. We text sporadically, but he works nights so it's not really a big deal. I imagine we'll go out again once he gets back.

I like the Monday night guy a little more, but I like them both enough to see them again. I'm really looking forward to tonight and getting to know him better. We didn't chat much this week.

*Fingers Crossed*

And I got married . . .

Sorry for the delay in posts! I traveled the last few weekends and just didn’t get around to it. This past week, I’ll be honest, I was ready to give up on this whole online dating thing. My patience just wears thin with every passing day. Not to be dramatic, as there isn’t really anything exciting that has happened, but it’s tiresome because it seems the dating pool consists of a bunch of boys who seriously have no clue what they want or how to ask a girl out.

I got a message regarding the last post, wondering what was so “wrong” with the first two potential dates. In my mind, it seemed so clear. But let me expound:

Potential 1: the exchange you read in the post is the ENTIRE contact between me and this potential date. I never heard from him again. A girl wonders, if I had 5 photos on the dating site (and not just of my face), why he would need more pics? A friend thought perhaps he just wanted to make sure he wasn’t being catfished. I get it, but that was not the impression I was getting. There were several red flags here: (1) “Call me anything you want.” This is either a very insecure dude OR someone trying too hard to impress me. (2) Asking me twice what my plans were for the evening, despite being told I was busy. He either doesn’t pay attention or he’s being quite pushy … to do what? Well… let’s continue with the red flags. (3) He asks me out without a plan. When asked, the response is, “Get dinner or watch a movie.” We’re not going to the cinema; he wants to watch a movie. Think ‘Netflix and chill’ ladies. On a first date. If that doesn’t give you pause, then there’s (4) “You have any more pictures of you?” Because I was pretty put off, I made a joke, to which he responded, “Lol.” Then …. Crickets. Nothing. Why would he want more pictures? Come on ladies – you know what he’s looking for. (And my mantra is to NEVER send photos to anyone that I wouldn’t want my mom to see. Once it’s out there, it’s out there. I won’t even send them to a significant other. I highly recommend you adopt that mantra.) Anyway … There was no follow-up after that. No “hey just making sure I’m not getting catfished.” Not even on the day we were supposed to go on this “date” (which was the very next day). The fact that I never heard from him confirmed the red flags and that feeling in my gut: this guy just wants sex.

Moving on …

Potential 2: This guy seemed so nice. He was fairly quiet and reserved on our coffee date, but I figured he was just nervous.  I also liked that he kept “chatting” with me on text after the date. I figured I’d give him a shot … but the exchange you read was the very last contact I had with him. Perhaps because it is in text, you don’t feel the same whiny, passive-aggressive tone of this brief exchange as I do. Let me explain: He texts me on a Tuesday evening, asking me how I’m doing. I respond in kind. He responds that he just dropped off his son. His son is young, under the age of 10. Yes, I’m aware that this means he doesn’t have any parental duties that night. But, he didn’t ask me out. So, I respond by asking if he had a good work day. His response is, once again, very passive – his day was busy, but it’s not busy anymore. This is where my eye-rolling begins. Yes, I know exactly what he is getting at, but if you can’t man up and just ask me out or say, “hey, I’m free. You wanna hang out?” then you aren’t man enough for me. And ladies, you should live by that as well. This is VERY telling behavior – a man who is willing to whine and be passive-aggressive this early on, will continue to be this way. You will NOT teach him to act differently. Oh – and it will only get worse. My perception that he was being passive-aggressive was confirmed by the end of this brief exchange: “I guess I can just stay in.” Yes sir. Yes sir you can. You know what else you can do? You can ask me out. You can take yourself to a movie. You can call a friend to see if they want to hang out. You can relax and enjoy a show on TV that you couldn’t if your kid were there. There are so many things you can do, to include being a grown-up and saying what it is that you want.  I will not engage in guessing games with my significant other (not anymore anyways!) and I certainly won’t do it with you – a potential date. Things would only get worse …

Perhaps you’re thinking to yourself that I’m not giving them a chance? That I’m jumping to conclusions? I beg to differ. I’m not new to this. I’ve met people. People will show you their true colors very early on, but you have to be willing to see it. I’ve settled in the past. I told myself that I could change them or help them see the error in their ways. Nope nope nope. Don’t fall into that trap, ladies. I simply do not have years to waste on trying to make something work and change a man who is only being who they are.

Or perhaps you’re thinking, I don’t mind that the guy only wants sex, or can’t tell me what he wants. That is okay, too. I promise I say this without judgment at all, so if that is what you’re looking for, let me know! I’ll hook you up.

Now, if you’ve read this far, you’re looking for the follow-up to the title of this post. I know you are. Spoiler alert: I didn’t get married this weekend. But, I end this post with a little hope. Here it is:

A potential date messaged me on Friday asking me about knee surgery (I think I put in my profile that I’ve had a couple of those). A conversation ensued, and after some exchange, he asked me out! My only hesitation is that he’s about a decade younger than I. Nonetheless, the conversation seemed like a fairly normal exchange, so I offered up an event (winetasting and dog rescue fundraiser) that I was already going to as an idea. He was in! I asked if I should get us our tickets, and before I knew it, he had already bought the tickets! Now, he’s not Brad Pitt, but he’s attractive, was definitely nice enough and actually had interest in me (not my looks, but what I do for a living and for fun). Despite the distractions at the event (I was pretty social with the other attendees), he seemed to have a good time even when I was not chatting with him. He even bought me a bottle of wine (proceeds benefitted the dog rescue). At the end of the date, he asked me out again!

Wait - you still haven’t told me about getting married! Well, since he bought the tickets, they were under his name. His FULL name. Everyone got name tags at the door for this event. His name tag was already printed, but they had to make me one. She asked for my first name, but then simply assumed my last name was the same as his. So, I turned to him, literally 15 seconds after we had met: “Bet you’ve never been married on a first date before?” He took it like a champ and I’m sure we’ll see each other again when our calendars match up.

There is hope after all. And I have another date tonight! Stay tuned ladies . . .

Three Potentials . . .

I recently moved from a "small" town to a much bigger city. I was very excited to have a larger pool to swim in (ah, yes, cheesy metaphors with fun undertones). After 3 weeks, I have come to one conclusion: the pool is bigger, but it doesn't mean it is better! For this week's blog, I'd like to give you a snapshot of three potential dates. I will mirror our "conversations," (mispellings and grammatical mistakes included) then leave you hanging. At the end of it all, tell me - what would you do?

Potential 1: 10 years younger; Associate Degree; professes to be big on family and a Christian
Him: Hi how are you?
Me: Good morning! Having a good start to my Tuesday. You?
Him: Good morning same here actually my first day off in three months feels good.
Him: What you up too?
Me: Wow! That must be awesome. I'm at work. Getting back to a routine after the holidays.
Him: Yeah still have go to the bank and work on paperwork that I'm behind on....
... I'm off for three days then back on Friday
Me: So what do you do that keeps you busy for 3 months, off for 3 days?
Him: Yeah off for 3 days. I have my own business I do oil and gas consulting services. Basically oil and gas companies hire me so commissioning and start up there gas plants.
Me: You love it?
Him: I do
Him: :)
Him: I'm [name] by the way
Me: Hi [name}. I was just gonna call you T-cubed. Lol (his profile name was TTT) It's so important to enjoy one's work. What do you do when you're not working?
Him: Lol call me anything you like. Definitely is umm hiking, kayaking, fishing, Netflix, working out, eating out, spending time with family you?
Him: Any plans for tonight?
Me: Tonight ... was thinking of checking out some boot camp class. Depends on how I feel. Been a little zonked these past few days. Hoping I'm not coming down with something..
Him: Sounds like fun.
Him: Hope you get better
Me: I'm currently binge watching shows about the monarchy in England.
Him: Ha ha I love mid evil or history shows like that
Him: We should watch it together some night
Him: I just finished watching frontier
Him: Busy day at work? (I hadn't responded in 35 minutes)
Me: It waxes and wanes. I was at the library.
Him: Sounds like fun
Him: When are you done for the day?
Me: I leave work around 4 usually
Him: Sweet
Him: Busy tonight?
Me: You forgot already?
Him: no just checking if you want to hang out
Me: Not tonight but no plans tomorrow night or Thursday night
Him: Sounds good tomorrow night :)
Me: What would be the plan?
Him: Get dinner or watch a movie
Me: Dinner sounds lovely. I like food.
Him: perfect
Him: You have any more pictures of you? (Mind you - I have 5 on the dating site.)
Me: No. I'm like a ghost it's very difficult to capture my image on film.
Him: Lol
*****

Potential 2: I won't copy the whole exchange of messages. We chatted for several days, then actually had a coffee date. The date was okay: nothing great, but nothing terrible. He was nice, but I didn't feel an immediate connection. One note I will make is that at some point, I mentioned to him (during our texting) that I was trying to lose 10 pounds. He immediately asked if I looked like my pictures. I responded affirmatively. Well, lo and behold, he didn't exactly resemble his photos when we met. He definitely had put on a several pounds. Oh! And another thing - he was always leaning against something in his photos. I almost made a sarcastic comment to him, but was nervous that maybe it was because he had a disability or something. No - he's perfectly healthy.
We messaged a few times after the date, and then this:
It was a Tuesday evening, about 5:30pm -
Him: Hi cute girl
Me: Hey you. How's it going?
Him: Pretty good. Just dropped of my son
Me: Have a good Tuesday?
Him: It was busy, but not anymore
Me: Quiet evening, eh?
Him: Not sure yet
Me: *thinking face emoji*
Him: I guess I can just stay in
*****

 Potential 3: This guy was a bit of a charmer up front, but he also understood the sarcasm in some of my responses. For a minute, it was amusing. Again, I remind you I have five pictures on the dating site. They are a variety, and give you the "full" picture of what I look like (nothing dirty! Get your mind out of the gutter!). I just mean the pictures are not all selfies of just my face. And I don't use filters. Anyways, here you go:
Him: Good morning again Kimberly.
Me: Morning!
Him: How's your evening? (yes, the day had passed)
Me: Hey! Pretty good. Getting ready to crash (just got to [insert city]). How's yours?
Him: Aaaaaah okay. You're there safe and sound. Not bad. Productive day. Finally gonna get my butt to the gym. No slackin lol
Me: Can't have that! lol
Him: Nope. Hada
Him: I see you're pretty fit. Are you on the slim or more on the Thicker side?
Me: I don't know what that means. My pictures are accurate
Him: Gotcha
*****

What would you do?
Next post, I'll tell you about some other exchanges, and here's to hoping I'll have something fun to report from my brunch date I have tomorrow!
I did have another date this week, but it won't make a blog post, at least not on it's own. B-O-R-I-N-G.

Date One: He showed up drunk

And you're asking yourself, why did I stay?
I don't think I could accurately describe the reasons why I do certain things. I'd probably be making up excuses or trying to justify stupid decisions. Hindsight is 20-20. Luckily, nothing horrible happened to me on this date. I got out alive and that is all that matters.

Since this is my first "date" post, please note that names of people and locations have been changed to protect the innocent and the stupid. I write these posts anonymously not because I'm ashamed, but because it will protect me from libel and slander suits down the road. Besides, these are for your reading pleasure, not to "slam" anyone.

Without further ado, let's jump right into this date:

Jerry and I met on Tinder. He seemed funny, but most importantly, he did what I asked: Asked me on a date! (Whatever happened to the days where a man would ask a woman out on a date?) The plan was to meet downtown, during the day, to have a drink. Not until I arrived did I remember that it was Kentucky Derby day, so it was very crowded, everywhere.
As I pull into downtown, I get a text: Are you still coming? Are you almost here?
Why, yes, of course I'm coming. I'm 5 minutes away. At this point, he let me know he was at Bar B. We had agreed to meet at Bar A and he was texting to let me know he would have to make the trek (about 6 blocks) back to Bar A to meet me. [Insert first *thinking emoji* here.] I parked my car and headed to Bar A. I didn't wait long before he arrived. As he entered, the bouncer shouted, hey, you're back! *thinking emoji* I suspected that Jerry was already drunk, but the naive, trusting part of me thought, nah - he wouldn't show up drunk, would he? Nonetheless, Jerry recognized me from my pictures, approached with arms extended and gave me a friendly hug. "Want a drink?"
Bar A was a local whiskey bar. It was packed with Kentucky derby fans and whiskey lovers alike. The 3rd *thinking emoji* is inserted here as I notice the bar is giving out raffle tickets with every drink special and I see that Jerry already has 3 raffle tickets as he asks the bartender for our drinks: a beer for me, a whiskey for him. Before I can even take a sip, Jerry asks if the beer is good.
As we start to chat, I learn lots of things about Jerry: in his own words, he's "old school;" his family is made up of potato farmers; he's related to a colleague of mine; he has a daughter; he's in a custody battle with his ex-wife. And then, "How's your beer? Is it good?" *thinking emoji* As we continue to chat, I begin to question his assertion of being "old school," because he's very concerned that I don't like sex. I won't spend much time on this one, but I will say, he brought the subject up several times throughout the date.
After about half an hour, Bar A holds a drawing. Jerry, would you believe it, is a winner! He wins an old whiskey barrel that is currently being used as a cocktail table. He was very excited, until he found out that the whiskey barrel was empty. To the bartender he asks, "So, you gonna fill this up?" Jerry was more than upset that they weren't going to fill his whiskey barrel. In a bit of a huff and before I can finish my beer, we leave for Bar C, which is just two doors down.
The conversation at this point is going downhill. It's entertaining, but besides asking me again if my beer is good, he won't get off the topic of sex and whether I like it. In fact, it was here that he told me he wanted to have sex with me. He immediately laughed and said he shouldn't have said that. Luckily, after a few moments, we met a couple. They seemed normal. Perhaps this will be a good distraction for Jerry to stop asking me about sex, and whether my beer is good. Heck, even if I was interested in having sex with him, he was too sloppy for me to even think it'd be any good. (What?!?! Why am I even considering you ask? Don't ask. Maybe it had been awhile ...)
Okay - back to the couple. After chatting for a bit (the conversation isn't anything interesting enough to recount here), we decide to leave the bar. We left and went to a hotel they were staying at about 10 minutes outside of downtown. On the way, we stopped for more drinks. Jerry got a six-pack. As we got back into the car, Jerry began to open a beer. I was pleased I only had to ask him kindly not to open it and he obliged.
Once at the hotel, we hung out with the couple and chatted about all kinds of things, but mostly about the guy's bum knee. They drank some (probably the only smart decision I made was to stop drinking at this point). They smoked some pot. The evening was approaching quickly, and I was getting hungry. Very hungry. I found our way out when the girl in the couple made Jerry cry by asking him about his dead grandmother. So, we left to grab some dinner downtown.
As I'm starting to drive us back downtown, Jerry proclaims that I am too intense for him and he'd like to go home. *sigh of relief* "Where shall I take you, Jerry?"
"I live in the East end." East end was through downtown. As I approached downtown, I hear something come Jerry's seat. I look over to see that Jerry has cracked open a beer in my car. *eyeroll* I was not nearly as nice about it this time, so he rolled down the window and chucked it out. Yep. The full beer. Out the window. On the busy road that leads into downtown.
My patience was growing thin. I cannot wait to get this guy out of my car. As soon as I frove us through downtown and into the East end, I asked him to tell me how to get to his house.
"I live in the North end," he says. Breathe. Just breathe, I tell myself.
I flip the car around as quickly as I can and start heading to the North side of downtown. Once again, as we get close, I tell him to give me directions.
"I live on the west side," he says.
"Nope. That's it. Where can I drop you off?" My patience is now gone.
"Oh, so that's where this is going?" he asks as if everything is going swell.
"Yep. Sure is."
Within seconds I was at a stop light. "Good bye, Jerry. This is your stop."
*****End of Date*****

P.S. A few weeks later, as I came to a quick stop, a full can of beer rolled out from under my passenger seat. Yes, it was Jerry's. I just laughed.

What in the F*(&^?!?!

We can't make this stuff up. Seriously. Life as a single lady in these "modern" times is ... well, weird. Dating is not like it used to be. Making friends as an adult is one of the strangest adventures. The only "normal" thing I've got going is my job.

One of my best friends (she's single, too) and I were sharing our dating stories, or lack thereof. It's hard to get a date these days. It doesn't matter if you're tall, thin and blond or something else. Guys are losing their nerve and no longer know how to act like a gentleman. But I cannot accept that the only way to meet a good one is to swipe right, start the conversation and force an in-person meeting. What ever happened to good ol' fashioned flirting in the grocery store? Somehow this culminated in a new idea: let's write a blog!

If it sounds like we started this blog to help you find your one true love, I suggest you move along. We have no answers. We have no advice. All we have are our stories. After some deliberation (not much really), I asked my friend if she wanted to start a blog with me. We've got some stories to tell. They're probably not nearly as interesting to you as they are to us, but what the heck? I thought if we shared them, and committed to one blog post a week each, then perhaps we would be motivated to spend some time with people we otherwise wouldn't give a second look. Perhaps we could experience some new adventures to spice up our own lives and simply just enjoy life.

What's the deal? We'll post once a week. We'll shoot for 2 dates a month. We'll share our dating and non-dating stories. Funny or not. Maybe by spending more time online, writing, searching, sharing, we can find more offline fun! Our first blogs are coming . . . Get ready!

Want a preview? My first blog includes a story about a date who came from a family of potato farmers and forgot where he lived. What will my girlfriend post? Oh the anticipation ...