2nd dates and Introverts

Have I truly found someone more introverted than I?
I had another great date last night. This was the 2nd date with last week’s Monday date. Let’s call him Monte.
First let’s talk about introverts. When I say introvert, I’m not talking about a shy person. These are two different concepts. Being an introvert really just means one is quite introspective, enjoying self-reflection, and values a deep connection in their relationships with people. Introverts would rather spend time one-on-one or in small groups (think 2-4 people) than going to a party a socializing with tons of people. Introverts don’t mind being on stage and performing, but they don’t like being the center of attention in a group when it’s not about a performance.
Some introverts learn these things about themselves, and some don’t. I have spent the better part of my adult life learning what it means to be an introvert. Mostly because it creates an internal struggle on a regular basis. As an introvert, I always want to be invited to the party, but I most likely won’t come (unless it’s a small group).
This topic came up during the date last night. I was rambling (that’s what I called it; he kept saying I wasn’t rambling. I assure you, I was.). Because I was being so gregarious, Monte called me an extrovert. I had to set him straight. He then claimed to be an introvert because a test told him he was. The funny thing to me about that: he doesn’t act like an introvert at all except in one very big way: he hates small talk. This is something that is very true of introverts. Discussing things like your co-workers weekend plans or the weather actually creates barriers between people. It’s polite, nice and keeps the conversation on the surface, prohibiting vulnerability, honesty and emotional intimacy. All these latter things are the biggest desire of introverts.
So, why do I think he’s not an introvert? He hates texting. He finds it boring. Whilst I don’t love texting because it is exciting, it’s a great way to communicate without having to talk on the phone. Yes, introverts hate the phone. Why? Phone calls are ripe with small talk, at least in the beginning. The ring of that phone is incredibly intrusive, demanding immediate attention, leaving no room for preparing for a conversation (very essential for introverts). Introverts also like to think through things before responding. These long, awkward silences do not translate well in a phone conversation.
Just hating texting means he’s not an introvert? Well, he wanted to call me soon after we “met” online to talk. I would actually welcome that call now (spoiler alert: I like this guy), but was absolutely dreading it. Luckily, it never actually happened and I got to meet him in person first.
With all that said, he might be more introverted than I because he couldn’t even manage the teensiest of small talk last night, which is why I was rambling. I get it: he’s a single dad. His life is work and kids. There may not be that much excitement there. I’m happy to talk about my week and share the incredibly exciting things I do (uh … judging a college competition; visiting the dog show; binge watching Netflix … yeah, I’m a hoot!), but man, he simply didn’t have the ability to fill those pauses in conversation.
Nonetheless, I made him laugh, lots. I love that. He made me laugh, which I also love. As terrible as I am about asking questions to get to know someone, I asked a lot (see that part about all the pauses in conversation I was trying to fill) about his family and he was very willing to respond. Yes, despite the lulls in conversation, I had a good time again. He’s adorable. He’s smart, witty, and kind. He at least seems to be a pretty good dad and thinks highly of family. All great qualities. And he seems interested in me, or at least seeing me again. He did make some mention of whether I’d see him for a 3rd date.
What confused me is this: after 2 hours of me mostly rambling about things in my life, including concerns I had with people in my family, he tells me I’m a hard nut to crack. This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten this kind of feedback, but after all that rambling, I was totally thrown. I shared all kinds of random crap with him. I know I have a wall, but I made it very clear that it comes down pretty easy. Within minutes, he received a text and had to leave. Our date came to an abrupt end. I was fine with that, but left confused. As we walked out, he handed me a Lifesaver Wint-o-green (my favorite mint! Yes, he knows this). A quick hug, then he says, “I’ll be in touch.” (On our first date it was: “Feel free to call or text anytime!” Then, a hug, and a kiss on the cheek.)

I’ll be honest: I lost all hope in that moment that I’d ever speak with him again. I wasn’t really sure what just happened. I was also frustrated with the assertion that I’m walled off, yet I had to pry to get him to talk to me. I went to bed with a sinking feeling that my first 2nd date in a long time was going to be a last date with this guy.

Well … I did get a text from him this morning: “I had fun last night Josephine. Thanks again!”

*Sigh* I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how this one plays out … Accepting comments and advice, too.

Tinder Virgin, until today...... backlog

So I was in a career for almost 15 years that exhausted me emotionally, so I felt like I didn't have any emotion or energy to put into meeting new people or making connections.  I felt so drained, all I wanted to do was come home and turn my brain off and not make any effort to do anything else.  Now I am doing a job that is so boring, I'm afraid I will forget how to use my brain, so time to put myself out there, and to top it off, I am tired of doing things alone that would be more fun with a companion!

I guess I will start out talking about my first Tinder "drink" with someone.  First of all I shy away from meeting new people by myself, because I don't enjoy small talk and it just seems to get awkward if I am the one asking all the questions, which I tend to do.
This was back in October and I decided to agree to meet this dude for a drink on a sunday afternoon. His pictures looked like he was a decent looking guy, I can't remember if we were texting or just chatting on Tinder, after a couple hours of persuading, I decided to go.
We met at a bar near my friends house, so I had her check on me in an hour to see if it was going ok and if I needed an out.
I arrived early and ordered myself a shot to loosen up, that is my typical tendency.  He was on time and looked older than his pictures had portrayed. We chatted and he seemed ok, he tells me he lives with his Uncle (this guy is like 40), who needs medical attention because he is obese and has type 2 diabetes.  I was doing my best not to judge at this point. This guy is the head landscaper for a college in the area and had previously worked at a golf course, so we conversed about that.  Then something switched for me, when he started talking about marijuana.  For some reason it just turns me off, people act so stupid when they smoke and he knew I was in law enforcement and wanted to have some kind of debate about it, like a 20 something wanting it legalized.
Needless to say, I was done and went across the street to the movies, alone.  That was the first time I had ever gone to a movie alone and I enjoyed it much more than the Tinder drink.

More to come, I have come out of my shell a bit and continue to go on meeting people from these sites, not too discouraged yet....

Just a teaser ...

Just a quick little post here because I mostly stayed off the dating site this week. Sorry, no silly stories to tell.

Last Monday's date was pretty great! So hope is still alive! We're going out again tonight. (Is it weird that a single dad of 2 only can get a sitter for Monday nights? Right now, as we just start venturing into the dating world together, I say no. I'm just curious how long this will last. I'm not looking to meet his kids or anything anytime soon, but it's been established, at least for now, Monday nights are the only ones available.)
The date from last Sunday (the one I married .. see the previous post for deets) left town on Tuesday for 2 weeks to work. We text sporadically, but he works nights so it's not really a big deal. I imagine we'll go out again once he gets back.

I like the Monday night guy a little more, but I like them both enough to see them again. I'm really looking forward to tonight and getting to know him better. We didn't chat much this week.

*Fingers Crossed*

And I got married . . .

Sorry for the delay in posts! I traveled the last few weekends and just didn’t get around to it. This past week, I’ll be honest, I was ready to give up on this whole online dating thing. My patience just wears thin with every passing day. Not to be dramatic, as there isn’t really anything exciting that has happened, but it’s tiresome because it seems the dating pool consists of a bunch of boys who seriously have no clue what they want or how to ask a girl out.

I got a message regarding the last post, wondering what was so “wrong” with the first two potential dates. In my mind, it seemed so clear. But let me expound:

Potential 1: the exchange you read in the post is the ENTIRE contact between me and this potential date. I never heard from him again. A girl wonders, if I had 5 photos on the dating site (and not just of my face), why he would need more pics? A friend thought perhaps he just wanted to make sure he wasn’t being catfished. I get it, but that was not the impression I was getting. There were several red flags here: (1) “Call me anything you want.” This is either a very insecure dude OR someone trying too hard to impress me. (2) Asking me twice what my plans were for the evening, despite being told I was busy. He either doesn’t pay attention or he’s being quite pushy … to do what? Well… let’s continue with the red flags. (3) He asks me out without a plan. When asked, the response is, “Get dinner or watch a movie.” We’re not going to the cinema; he wants to watch a movie. Think ‘Netflix and chill’ ladies. On a first date. If that doesn’t give you pause, then there’s (4) “You have any more pictures of you?” Because I was pretty put off, I made a joke, to which he responded, “Lol.” Then …. Crickets. Nothing. Why would he want more pictures? Come on ladies – you know what he’s looking for. (And my mantra is to NEVER send photos to anyone that I wouldn’t want my mom to see. Once it’s out there, it’s out there. I won’t even send them to a significant other. I highly recommend you adopt that mantra.) Anyway … There was no follow-up after that. No “hey just making sure I’m not getting catfished.” Not even on the day we were supposed to go on this “date” (which was the very next day). The fact that I never heard from him confirmed the red flags and that feeling in my gut: this guy just wants sex.

Moving on …

Potential 2: This guy seemed so nice. He was fairly quiet and reserved on our coffee date, but I figured he was just nervous.  I also liked that he kept “chatting” with me on text after the date. I figured I’d give him a shot … but the exchange you read was the very last contact I had with him. Perhaps because it is in text, you don’t feel the same whiny, passive-aggressive tone of this brief exchange as I do. Let me explain: He texts me on a Tuesday evening, asking me how I’m doing. I respond in kind. He responds that he just dropped off his son. His son is young, under the age of 10. Yes, I’m aware that this means he doesn’t have any parental duties that night. But, he didn’t ask me out. So, I respond by asking if he had a good work day. His response is, once again, very passive – his day was busy, but it’s not busy anymore. This is where my eye-rolling begins. Yes, I know exactly what he is getting at, but if you can’t man up and just ask me out or say, “hey, I’m free. You wanna hang out?” then you aren’t man enough for me. And ladies, you should live by that as well. This is VERY telling behavior – a man who is willing to whine and be passive-aggressive this early on, will continue to be this way. You will NOT teach him to act differently. Oh – and it will only get worse. My perception that he was being passive-aggressive was confirmed by the end of this brief exchange: “I guess I can just stay in.” Yes sir. Yes sir you can. You know what else you can do? You can ask me out. You can take yourself to a movie. You can call a friend to see if they want to hang out. You can relax and enjoy a show on TV that you couldn’t if your kid were there. There are so many things you can do, to include being a grown-up and saying what it is that you want.  I will not engage in guessing games with my significant other (not anymore anyways!) and I certainly won’t do it with you – a potential date. Things would only get worse …

Perhaps you’re thinking to yourself that I’m not giving them a chance? That I’m jumping to conclusions? I beg to differ. I’m not new to this. I’ve met people. People will show you their true colors very early on, but you have to be willing to see it. I’ve settled in the past. I told myself that I could change them or help them see the error in their ways. Nope nope nope. Don’t fall into that trap, ladies. I simply do not have years to waste on trying to make something work and change a man who is only being who they are.

Or perhaps you’re thinking, I don’t mind that the guy only wants sex, or can’t tell me what he wants. That is okay, too. I promise I say this without judgment at all, so if that is what you’re looking for, let me know! I’ll hook you up.

Now, if you’ve read this far, you’re looking for the follow-up to the title of this post. I know you are. Spoiler alert: I didn’t get married this weekend. But, I end this post with a little hope. Here it is:

A potential date messaged me on Friday asking me about knee surgery (I think I put in my profile that I’ve had a couple of those). A conversation ensued, and after some exchange, he asked me out! My only hesitation is that he’s about a decade younger than I. Nonetheless, the conversation seemed like a fairly normal exchange, so I offered up an event (winetasting and dog rescue fundraiser) that I was already going to as an idea. He was in! I asked if I should get us our tickets, and before I knew it, he had already bought the tickets! Now, he’s not Brad Pitt, but he’s attractive, was definitely nice enough and actually had interest in me (not my looks, but what I do for a living and for fun). Despite the distractions at the event (I was pretty social with the other attendees), he seemed to have a good time even when I was not chatting with him. He even bought me a bottle of wine (proceeds benefitted the dog rescue). At the end of the date, he asked me out again!

Wait - you still haven’t told me about getting married! Well, since he bought the tickets, they were under his name. His FULL name. Everyone got name tags at the door for this event. His name tag was already printed, but they had to make me one. She asked for my first name, but then simply assumed my last name was the same as his. So, I turned to him, literally 15 seconds after we had met: “Bet you’ve never been married on a first date before?” He took it like a champ and I’m sure we’ll see each other again when our calendars match up.

There is hope after all. And I have another date tonight! Stay tuned ladies . . .